DEAR DIARY
I’ve been standing on this spot, for how long, I’m not sure. I should be able to enjoy the view, I heard it was a beautiful day outside, but I don’t think I can or ever will. The sun is shining ever so brightly, funny enough I can’t feel its warmth. The birds are singing too, but for some strange reason, I’m deaf to all that. I’m not noticing anything or anyone.
I feel sad on the inside and it feels like I can’t get the sadness out. Nothing I do can take it away, nothing. I guess that’s why my soul feels colder than usual, like frozen ice is flowing through my veins. I want to scream out loud, but I can’t, because I know no one will hear the pain I want to let out. There should be someone or something that can at least bring me warmth inside. Someone or something that can make me move from this spot because they or it have given me a reason to look forward to the next moment.
I wish I could talk to someone, explain what is going on without them thinking I’ve gone crazy. Because that is how I’ve been feeling lately, crazy, insane. How else would you explain my feeling lonely in a crowd of people? Feeling bereft in a company of very happy people? And then to make matters worse, avoiding people. Finding an excuse not to go out. Not to spent time with them. It’s all because deep inside I know that if they stay with me long enough I’ll infect them with my gloomy self.
When I’m alone at night in the dark, I cry. I cry till I feel there are no more tears left in me. I cry for the me that was. The me that everyone wanted to spend time with. The me that was so sure of herself. The me that had her life figured out. The me that I carefully and tirelessly presented to the world. The me that’s lost inside somewhere, if she ever existed. All along, while crying, I wish there was someone there with me, whispering that everything will work out fine. That no matter what, I am never alone.
I keep reaching out, to what, I’m not sure. I keep hoping and praying that before it is too late, I will have figured things out. I will have found the patience to let people in. I will have found the strength to ask for help. I will have found whatever it is my heart is clinging to.
Always,
J.
Dear girl, I read this note and at the end of it, I had a tear fighting to fall. I’ve been here, perhaps more times than I would admit. Once my mum bought me an album, for no other reason than it had a song title that reminded her of me. Made me think. Total happiness is elusive, but being sad does not mean one is unhappy. Same is true of laughter, and happiness. Finding the joy in the little things is hard, but it helps a lot.
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