AND BREATH, JUST BREATH.

Today I had a nervous breakdown. For a few seconds, I couldn’t breathe. I couldn’t move and mentally I was frozen. Those few seconds felt like a lifetime to me. I felt like I was reliving a nightmare with no way out. That is a feeling I hope to never feel again. I was in the house alone, the electrician was outside doing some work when he decided to come in and ask for something. I don’t know where the feeling came from, but suddenly I was so scared. I felt like he was about to attack me, and I felt so defenseless. My tongue got heavy, my throat constricted and my palms were sweaty. I realized there and then that I hadn’t really recovered from my ordeal.

When I was just a kid, I got raped by a family friend. Someone I trusted and sort of looked up to. Sometimes I feel like it was all a dream. That it never really happened. Then I remember how sick I was afterwards, and just like that, it all comes back to me. I wish I could forget it completely, get it erased from my mind so I don’t have to relive it. But at times when I’m unguarded the memories bombard me. I keep thinking that I am strong enough to deal with anything thrown my way, but that, that cripples me.

I try not to talk about it; in fact I avoid it whenever possible. A few years after the rape, I got molested by a man I was dating. My fragile self-esteem got shredded to pieces. I questioned everything I believed in. After that I withdrew into myself, I shut everyone out. For a while I literally stopped living. I realized later that he had infected me with a sexually transmitted disease. That woke up me like nothing ever did. When I was getting treatment and more tests to make sure I didn’t have anything worse, I decided to take charge of my life. I had a lot of time to think since I kept to mostly myself, and I came to the conclusion that my life had to count for something. I deserved so much better. I took time off and went away for a while. When I came back, I dumped the creep. I started motivating myself and telling myself how much better I was. I started believing in myself bit by bit.

The scars I have are not visible. They are deep within me where even I tend to avoid reaching into. Sometimes when the scars overwhelm me, I want to hurt myself. Not because I hate myself, but because they are too heavy a burden that I feel I should let them out. That maybe if I hurt myself on the outside then I would hopefully get over the pain on the inside. I have never really done anything to myself but I feel like I am slowly losing the battle.

I can’t talk about it, I feel like I don’t have enough words to describe how, what I am going through. My friends have only accessed a part of me. I feel like if I shared all of me, then I’d chase them away. For the few I let in, I tend to smother them because I am afraid that they might leave me if I don’t hold on tight enough. This has made me end up feeling lonelier than ever. And sometimes when I am smiling on the outside, I ask myself; will I ever smile on the inside?

Alice.

DEAR SANTA

I have never believed in Christmas. Ever. Each year I promise myself that I will try to see the positive. And each I fail in that quest. I tend to keep to myself and Christmas spirit and whatnot tends to interfere with that. I love being on my own, not that I don’t appreciate my friends and family but I am at my best when left alone.

Last year I almost succeeded in seeing the very positive of that season. Almost. But you turned my world upside down; you made it a living hell. I hear there are 12 days of Christmas. To me they just happened to be 12 days of living hell. I’m not sure that I will ever forgive you for it. May be in time I will but for now, I don’t want you anywhere near me. Matter of fact, I don’t believe in you either.

How could you?! Damn it how dare you?! I lost TWO brothers! And to make it worse, they died months apart. I never got the chance to get over one before the other soon followed. I needed at least a heads up to prepare myself. They meant the world to me and I wanted time with them. May be, just a little bit of time to let them know that I cared deeply for them. You didn’t give me that. And do you know what make it even worse; it was during the bloody Christmas season!

Since we have made it obvious that you don’t give a damn about me, this year make an exception. This year I want happiness. Peace of mind and a chance to smile and actually mean it. Do you think you are capable of that? At all?

J.

MY ALL

Late at night when no one is around, when I am alone with my thoughts, then I face the truth. The truth that I can’t face in the light of day. I am a hopeless romantic. I believe in love. I believe that pure love that doesn’t hurt really exists. And most of all I face the fact that I want love in my heart. I want to be in love and share this big heart of mine.

I am an honest person and I know that whoever gets me, if he ever will, will be the luckiest man alive. I tend to believe that if you are going to be with someone then they should really get all of you and the very best of you. I wouldn’t hurt him. From me he would be able to expect and get honesty and fidelity. I am not sure that I have the mental capabilities of having an affair. I hate being lied to and would hate myself for doing that to anyone, I would prefer walking away from it all.

Sometimes when I’m forced to face the truth, I wonder why I am still alone. I wonder why I am afraid to share me or a part or just a tiny piece of me. I want love but I am not sure that I am prepared to do what it takes to go find it. I tend to rationalize my fears. And the worst fear of them all, is getting too hurt to face myself or even look at myself in the mirror. I have taken the risk enough times and to say I was burned is to put it mildly. I still have the scars, they are a constant reminder. I used to wear them like a badge of honor till I realized I wasn’t honoring myself by being in constant pain. I moved on, gave my heart a fighting and healing chance.

I believe in love. I believe in its miracles. I believe that it is out there just waiting to be discovered. I also believe that there are monsters out there waiting to take what is on offer and destroy it. Taint it, in the name of love. I am willing to give my all, just and only just if I do get an assurance that this big heart of mine will not be left with cracks or even love forbid, in pieces.

J.

MEMORIES SO TO SPEAK

Sometimes I wish that death had a bell on its neck, that way we would know it’s coming. I wasn’t prepared for his death, I didn’t see it coming but somehow I felt it. I lost two brothers in the space of 3 months. After that, I lost my faith; I didn’t want to think about God. I gave up on almost everything; there was no sense in anything anymore.

Two weeks before my first brother died, I visited him at his home. I was with my other cousins who I often refer to as my sisters, and I do have a sister. The ‘girls’ had gotten together to visit the ‘boys’. (My other brother lived about 2 minutes’ walk from the first brother.) While we were at his when I decided to take pictures of my niece, one of his daughters, he was blessed with two. (I am the undesignated family photographer. If there’s family around, you’ll see me with my phone busy taking pictures.) My niece wouldn’t cooperate. No enticement we used would make her pose for a picture! Finally my bro decided to carry her and have me take the photo then. We took several of the two of them together. Normally when I’m alone and playing with my phone, I will end up deleting the photos I took during the day. I never even gave a thought to those photos. After my brother died, my family couldn’t find any recent photo of him. (Both my brothers just hated posing for photos. They would take pictures of others, but not of themselves.) It turns out the pictures I had on my phone, were the only ones available. Talk about amazing! At least we have pictures to remember him by.

During the burial of my brother, as usual I ended up with the camera. For some insane reason I kept taking pictures of my other brother. If he was far from me, I would zoom in. I tried to follow him wherever he went without letting him notice. Two months later when he died, they were the most recent pictures that we had of him.

Sometimes, when I miss them the most, I look at the photos. I’m not sure what pushed me to take them, but at least somehow, they are still here with us. I always get mad when I think of how fast they both left us, then I look at my beautiful nieces and nephew, and I thank God that pieces of them were left behind for us to have close by.
J.

DEAR DOCTOR

When I started out at the time is seemed like a good idea. I got drunk, too drunk that I couldn’t remember my own name. I thought that if I drunk my sorrows away, then surely they will disappear or not appear so distressing. I wanted to drink and somehow forget about him.

He broke my heart and doesn’t even care about it. After my drinking spree I went to confront him, and he took one look at me and started laughing. He said I looked as pathetic as he knew I was. He laughed to my face. If that wasn’t enough, he called his new girl to witness my downfall. And together they laughed at my embarrassment.

See doctor, I gave up everything for him. I turned my back on my family for him. I lost touch with my friends for him. But he didn’t do the same for me. When it came time for him to at least show that he cared even a little bit, he left. In fact I have never seen someone run that fast.

The reality that he never really loved me to begin with is too hard to face. I want to keep drinking like there’s no tomorrow. I want to drink until he’s name is nothing but a distant memory. I want to drink until I forget him. I want to drink till I am able to face what I’ve become and may be by then I will be ready to move on. Maybe then I’d get my self-respect back.

I know alcohol is not the answer, good thing I’m not asking any questions. This is a part time solution for a temporary problem. I don’t plan to make it an addiction, I just want to blackout for a while. The aim here is temporary amnesia. In case I forget to tell you, you are the best doctor I ever had.

Your well-paying patient,
J.

SOMETIMES

Sometimes I want to run, just start running and keep running till I overrun all my problems. I want to run to where no one knows me and nothing is expected of me. Run and chase after freedom if at all it even exists. I am just so tired of waking up each day and finding that nothing has changed at all, the problems are still there and everyone expects you to offer a solution.
Sometimes when no one is looking I scream at the top of my lungs, because it is all too much. I cry a lot on the inside because I’m afraid if I let the tears fall on the outside, I won’t be able to stem the flow. There’s a river, even an ocean of tears in me, they at times help me drown my sorrows and pain. Sometimes I pinch myself so hard to keep myself from crying.
Sometimes in my deepest desires, I want to live alone on an island. I won’t notice the isolation, or the loneliness because I am used to being alone most of the time. Strange but I always feel alone even in the middle of a crowd. It saddens me that I keep to myself but I have to because the thing about spending time with yourself is that, you get to know and understand yourself better. And you end up finding that your company is the only sane thing that keeps you from losing it.
Sometimes I’m afraid that I need help and I don’t really know how to ask for it. Other times I’m scared because I feel like I just have too many problems to share with anyone and that even if I do, they won’t help me at all. Sometimes, and this terrifies me, I want to be somebody else.

DEAR BROTHER

I need to say goodbye to you, to let you go and find the peace of mind that has been elusive to me since you left us. I am in pain, though I can’t find the tears to let the pain out. Keeping the pain inside is slowly killing me.

I feel that your death was senseless, but I somehow need to find a way to move on without you. You are gone, I have to accept that, but knowing that doesn’t make the pain any less. There should be a time for mourning, I don’t think I will ever be able to properly mourn you, my beloved.

There’s a bloody void left in my heart for you. I need to somehow meet you in my dreams while asleep in order to really let you go. To say my farewells to you because I am the only one in the family that hasn’t done so.

Wherever it is you are, keep me in your sight, keep the love alive. As I am here keeping your memories close to my heart, and never being able to forget you. Ever.

For now, goodbye, fare the well.

Love,
Joi.

GOD ALMIGHTY

I feel like there’s too much pain in my heart for one person to take! There’s bleeding in my heart and an immense downpour of excruciating pain. Why him, I ask? Why the hell HIM. He was ours! To have and to appreciate. Ours! Why HIM?!

He was a son, he leaves behind a grieving mother, who should never have had to feel the pain of losing a child or ever have to bury one. He was a brother, he leaves behind a brother and two sisters mourning inconsolably for him. No one will ever take his place. He was a husband and according to his wife, he was her only best. She doesn’t know how she will go on without him. He was a father, leaving behind two very beautiful girls. They could have used his firm hand and loving guidance in the years ahead.

He was a nephew, a grandson, a cousin and a dear friend to many. I am MAD, ANGRY!!! Why did you do this to him, to us, to them? WHY?! I hope I will one day understand your reasoning, but for now my tears will keep flowing, my heart will keep missing him and I will keep trying to find the answers.

If it is even possible, may his soul rest in peace, and may you keep him in a better place. We will surely miss him.

J.

DEAR OFFICER

I have several people on this list that I would love for you to arrest or have spend a few nights in jail. I know it would be beyond your mandate to expect you to be both judge and executioner, but it is a matter of utmost urgency. My security as a member of this nation is at risk. I need you to be the law and ensure my safety.

First and foremost, it has to be my shopkeeper! For some insane reason, the prices of goods NEVER stay the same. They keep changing and worse, without my being notified. I need a steady price in order for me to keep fixed budget. And if you could arrest his wife, that would be lovely. She looks at me strangely, and it scares me.

Then arrest JANE! She has to go. And if possible, OFF WITH HER HEAD. She broke my best friend’s heart. He was such a sweet angel to her. There for her. Gave her everything she wanted. Respected her for who she was, which was hard in my opinion because we all knew what a devil she was (and don’t mistake that for a compliment!). Then out of the blue, she says it’s over. That is just not fair!

My neighbor is next, the one whose house borders mine on the right. He keeps looking at me suggestively. I do not take the fact that his wife is heavily pregnant as an excuse (and by the way, I think she poisoned my dog). She seems pretty enough; he should be satisfied with her. I know I have NEVER given him any encouragement; he should therefore have to leave me alone. You could put him as a matter of priority on your list, the sooner the better.

And last but not least, JOHN. Not because he broke my heart, which by the way is made of steel. Not because I think of him in the same league with the scam of the earth. No. I need him arrested because of his audacious nature. How dare he expect ME to be his friend? He acts like nothing happened. He treated me like trash, and turned my friends against me. How dare he expect me to forget all that? In case you think it’s because I’m bitter, then don’t. I forgave him a long time ago. I just can’t stand his sight, and having known him. I wouldn’t want to be friends with me. Hell, I wouldn’t even dare refer him to my worst enemy.

I have many people I need arrested but I need to see how you handle these first. So how soon should I expect results?

Yours truly,
Concerned Citizen.

CARLOS,

I thought we were no longer together! I thought that when you leave a girl you leave her completely! This goes beyond stalking, it’s bordering on psychotic. Please, and I use that word lightly, please leave me alone. When you turned your back on me, I thought. No, I knew that would be the last I see of you. Yet here you are again, disturbing the peace. You got on your high horse, aroused the dust around you and told me you are happier than you’ve ever been because you are leaving me behind. Imagine my shock on seeing you back (and I must say that riding on a broom becomes you).

You left me in the dump so to speak. I was so in love with you. I could have given up my life for you. Hell, I was ready to move the world for you. Yet you complained all the time. That my love was smothering you. That you needed space away from me to get your life and live without me. I can honestly now say, that nearly killed me. Being away from the one person I gave my all to, that destroyed me. At first I was drenched in pain and drowning in sorrow. But the beautiful thing about drowning, is that, when you come up for air; you emerge fighting to survive.

I was scared I wouldn’t get you out of my heart. And I did, finally. I found somebody new who got you out of my head. It took some false starts at first, kissed a few frogs in the process but in the end I finally won. You told me nobody would have me, it was amazing to prove you wrong there. It makes me angry that you refuse to leave me in peace. Which is strange considering that when I was alone you weren’t bothered by it. Is it because you enjoyed seeing me by myself and lonely? Or is it a case of wanting something that you can’t have?

I want you out of my life for good. I am not going to use the defense that I now have someone special, which need not even be a reason. I want you to leave me in peace, for me. I don’t want you in my life, ever. When you said you’d never come back, I believed you. I hated you at first, but I learnt to let go of all that anger and hatred. (The doctors said it wasn’t good for my health). Now, in my heart, with regards to you, there’s only indifference. I don’t care about you anymore and what you do with your life and time.

Saying goodbye for good,
The one you’ll never get back.